ljfrostfire: (Default)
Because importing Livejournal to Wordpress doesn't happen. And the terms of service change is creepy as shit. Let the import of old entries begin!
ljfrostfire: ($#@%&!)
I see a trend. Parts have been popping up on twitter and noticed by the media. There is, at present, no clearly defined connection between all the disparate parts. And yet, I am concerned.

Starting with what is perhaps the most innocuous datum, I look to LiveJournal.
  - Two days ago, I read a post (locked, so I won't link it here) that remarked on the following: LiveJournal's servers have moved to Russia. Furthermore, it appears that encrypted connections (https) are no longer possible. The second tidbit raises legitimate concerns over security that I am not competant to comment on. I encourage anyone interested to Google it. The move to Russia, however, is very concerning to me. For one thing, I've seen no mention of this in any official capacity, which suggests the possibility that somebody hopes nobody will notice. More significantly, this has serious ramifications in terms of jurisdiction, law enforcement, and privacy.
  - What does this mean? It's difficult to say with any certainty. However, given the various commentary on Russian dissidents abandoning the platform in droves, I would surmise that the simplest answer to that question is, "nothing good." I've been on LiveJournal since sometime in 2000, which actually makes me something of an early adopter. I was here when people still needed invite codes to join. I was here when it was bought by Six Apart in 2005 and half the communities I followed were convinced it was ruin the platform. I was here when it was subsequently sold off in 2007 to SUP Media, a Russian company. I remember amount of paranoia that generated, and the reassurances that were offered in light of the fact that the servers, and thus the physical jurisdiction over the site, was remaining in California as they had always been. This was reinforced by the creation of "LiveJournal Inc" to actually run the site and which was based in San Francisco. Moving the servers to Russia sounds innocuous, but go back to that second link in the previous paragraph. Now imagine you're Russian and some form of dissident. Maybe you're a political opponent. Maybe you're LGBT and have to avoid Russia's virulently anti-LGBT "propoganda" laws. Maybe you're not Russian, but rather one of Russia's baltic neighbors, and they're encroaching on your yard. And now, all the information you've put into your journal? Your American-hosted journal? The one that's political, and tells Putin to fuck off? Now on Russian soil. Under Russian jurisdiction.
  - But I'm not a Russian! Uh huh. Do you really think that will be protection enough from Russia's cyber-intelligence? Have you paid any attention to politics over the last year or so? I'm not just talking American politics, althought I'll get to that. What about Brexit? What about the various ethno-nationalist parties all over Europe? You know the ones I mean. The one's that seem to have a surprising amount of support from Putin. The ones that threaten the politics of European unity, which just so happen to threaten Putin's goals. And what about all that questionable "information" that WikiLeaks decided to dump all over those least likely to be amenable to Putin's ambitions? The emails that everybody was talking about, the ones that everybody conveniently forgot were stolen. And of questionable validity in some cases. Where has WikiLeaks gone lately, you might wonder? Oh, they're focusing in on Angela Merkel now. And wouldn't you know, Germany is gearing up for an election in 2017. What a coincidence.

So, there's that angle of concern, all by itself. What's next, you ask? So glad you did.
  - Today, I read a different sort of story. It's one where the House Republicans can now slash individual salaries of federal employees to $1. Again. Yeah, again. As with so many things lately, they did not make this shit up all by themselves. They reached all the way back to 1876 to find the Holman Rule. Please note that, while the headline focuses on the individual, this rule works just fine on programs. Personally, I find the monicur of the "Armageddon Rule" to be far more descriptive. And intellectually honest, if we take seriously for the threat that it is. How'd we collectively miss this bit of bullshit, you wonder? We were up in arms over the gutting of the Independent Ethics office overseeing Congress. So up in arms, in fact, that they backed down. So hurray on that point, at least. But back to this Armageddon Rule. To quote WaPo: "The rule changes the process of passing spending bills by allowing any rank-and-file House member to propose an amendment that would cut a specific federal program or the jobs of specific federal employees, by slashing their salaries or eliminating their positions altogether." For one thing, I can easily envision a free-for-all of fucking nonsense spawing from this.
  - Putting that aside, this does a complete end run around the civil service employment protections that WERE a fundamental aspect of the job. Remember they dug this up from 1876. Here's the biggest takeaway on what that means. "The rule was devised before the advent of a nonpolitical, career civil service and was rarely invoked in the modern era." Non-political positions (ie, those which are not political appointments) are afforded these protections precisely to protect our civil servants, the bedrock of fundamental administration of ANY government, from political shenanigans. It's meant to provide stability of personnel, service, and function. This shit? Has the very real possibility of throwing "continuity of government" right out the damn window.
  - Well, okay, fine. But it's like they're gonna go down a list. I'm sorry, have you not been paying attention again? Seriously?

I present to you, point three. The Trumpster HAS been making a list. More than one. Or trying to, at the very least. Don't believe me? Fine, I'll give you a list of my own.So, yeah. Climate change, women's issues and gender equality, and LGBT 'activists' are very clearly on his shit list. Just to start with.
  - Combine point three, Trumpster's lists, with point two, the Armageddon Rule. Are you seeing it yet? Now, this isn't all happening at the same time. And there's so much verbal diarrhea flowing from the Trumpster's team, supporters, and his very own twitter feed, that many folks, drowning in the overwhelming flood of bullshit, have probably forgotten his lists. Because, of course, that was, what, a few weeks ago? And he's said HOW MUCH garbage since then? By the way, if you're exhausted just reading all this, I feel ya. Oh, do I feel ya.
  - So, he's taking a stab at making lists of employees, and their programs. And House Republicans just gave themselves the perfect tool to simply scoop out anything and anyone that anyone disapproves of. Sure, it still has to survive a vote. Pfft. Like that'll be any sort of impediment. ARE YOU KIDDING?! This shit is a recipe. What's it make? A fucking PURGE of government employees. And government programs. Outside the usual budgetary & agency proceedures. With individuals having no recourse or remedy.

So, anybody still remember all that hacking and leaked emails nonsense? That pesky little Russian interance with free election stuff that all the American Intelligence agencies have been vaguely talking about? You know, the bullshit that got us the Trumpster?
  - The DNC hacking mess should be a way bigger scandal than it has been. Not for the emails, because is there actually anybody with two marbles rolling in the same direction who was the least bit surprised by anything in there? Really? Go ahead, think about it. I'll wait. Insert Jeapordy theme here! Didn't think so. Of course the Democratic Party prefered a lifelong party member with a long history of service and involvement over the Johnny-come-lately of longtime Independent relative obscurity. Duh. Yes, he's been in the Senate for a good long while. And I still hadn't heard of him before he decided to jump on the DNC bandwagon to run for President. I cannot have been the only one. The real scandal should have been how easy it was to hack the DNC, how fucking lackadaisicle the FBI seemed to be about it, and more importantly, the fact that the Trumpster fucking encouraged it. On television!
  - The DNC servers were hacked, here in the states. All the private server fiasco about Clinton's time at the State Department? Also here in the states, and apparently unhacked. Imagine what would happen to servers hosted in Russia.

And this brings me back around to point number one. LiveJournal's servers are now hosted in Russia. Suppose it wasn't LiveJournal, which is probably about 10 years past its prime here in America. Although it's very big in Russia and other baltic countries, I gather. Hence all the concern about Russian dissidents, but I digress. Suppose instead that it were Facebook suddenly moved to Russia. Or Twitter. Anyone starting to get uncomfortable yet?

I find myself reminded of the era of McCarthy and the House Un-American Activities Committee. The two were not, strictly speaking, related. McCarthy was, after all, a member of the Senate and thus not a member of HUAC. And yet, the two are linked in time, place, and anti-communist hysteria. For those of us who have been active on LiveJournal these last however many years, our thoughts and words are now, potentially, an open book for Russian authorities if they so chose. Where those words would end up is an open question. Certainly, in the hands of WikiLeaks is an option. For a great many of us, the likeliest scenario is, well, nowhere. Unless someone decides that they WANT to go digging, that is.

Some of this, of course, should go without saying. Nothing posted on the internet can ever really be considered gone. Unless you're the one looking for that one thing you posted that one time like, five years ago, talking about that thing. You know, that cool thing, with the great idea, or the best photo of the longlost loved one, or that bit that shows you really made the thing so-and-so is getting all the credit for. Then? Yeah, it's gone forever, never to be seen again. But the shit you want to go away? That shit stays around forever. It's what makes revenge porn so awful. And doxxing. Now imagine it's all burried in Russia somewhere, and you work for the civil service.

I'm not saying that the Trumpster or Congress is going to troll LiveJournal in a witch hunt to purge the country of those they deem unworthy. But we're also talking about a man who has professed a desire to deport illigals, suggested that Japanesse internment is a precedent for dealing with Muslims, has announced virulently anti-LGBT folks for the vast majority of his cabinet positions, and appears to be on the hunt for supporters of climate change, gender equality, and LGBT rights. So I'm not exactly comfortable dismissing the notion entirely.

Which brings me, finally, to this.

I'll be investigating finding a new space for my blog. Such as it is. I know I don't post often. I know it's usually not even that interesting when I do. But at this juncture, that's not really the point. Should the horrors on the horrizon become more than a paranoid fever dream (hey, I am sick right now, that is an option) I don't want to scramble for other options. I want to be able to say, "whew, glad I had that back up plan."

I'm not sure what will become of this space. I've had this journal a long while and it's seen me through some seriously hard times. I imagine I'll leave it here, for a while at least. Catch you on the flip side.
ljfrostfire: ($#@%&!)
Someone broke into Tim's work van. They took his Bag of Doom™. Looks like a New California Republic (of Fallout fame) laptop bag, but it's actually full of his art supplies. You know, so he can draw on the go when he has downtime. $600, at minimum, worth of stuff. His high end color pencils. His shading pencils. His new fountain pen. Pencil sharpener, couple of fancy pencil cases. I don't even know how many sketch books. His new journals. Hell, he's only had the fountain pen and the journals for maybe a week or so? His Nintendo 3DS was also in there. Both the item most likely to be worth reselling and the easiest/cheapest to replace. Except it was a limited edition version.

They didn't take his power drill, which was apparently on the passenger seat. They didn't take his fast pass. Or his bluetooth headphones. They couldn't get into the back area where all the tools are. Or maybe they didn't try that hard. So really, they popped the lock, got into his work van, and took the one thing that's valuable only to him. And the idea of all that art stuff ending up in the trash, because unless you're that brand of art person the stuff is fucking useless, makes me want to vomit.

And the worst thing of it is, he wasn't parked on the street. No, his van got stolen that way in this neighborhood once. So for a long while, he was parking it at work and driving his own car in to the shop. But he got moved into a different van, one that's shorter, and he figured it'd fit under our covered parking. Our gated, controlled access, complex parking. Meaning somebody who lives here broke into his van and stole his shit.

Gods. Fucking. Damnit.

There is literally nobody I don't hate today.
ljfrostfire: (giggle)
So at some point in the somewhat recent past, I picked up the following cookie cutters: NinjaBread Men, Undead Fred, and ABC (Already Been Chewed). Not because I had a real use for them, but because they made me giggle.

I just pack them all into my more recently acquired TardisBox.


So now the inside looks like this.



I fit nine guys in there. So, i guess it's bigger on the inside ....
ljfrostfire: ($#@%&!)
Watching the CAIR press conference on MSNBC just pisses me off. Muslims shouldn't have to do this every time somebody with an "Arab" or "Muslim" sounding name does something horrible. They shouldn't have to remind us that they're not monsters. They shouldn't have to prove that they're horrified by this kind of violence. Nobody demands it of Christian groups when white, presumably Christian folk do terrible things. No Christian religious groups felt compelled to condemn the violent actions of the "no more baby parts" nutter that shot up the Planned Parenthood in Colorado. Nobody expects them to. Nobody would demand it of them. That it IS required of Muslim groups is a terrible indictment of our collective Islamaphobia. And nothing else.
ljfrostfire: (giggle)
I'm seriously considering a new haircut. Because reasons. (It's barely shoulder-length now and it's already becoming annoying to wash, for example.)

See my inspiration ... )

Funny how half of these are photos of Natalie Dormer during her Hunger Games haircut. I admit, I kind of love her hair. It's all bad ass and sexy. Of course, I'm not blond and my hair isn't that long, but I'm pretty sure I've made my point.

These feel like I get to remove bulk (which is the real issue on the hair-washing front) while saving length and adding a bit of sass. Or something. Also, since I never seem to get a short haircut that I actually like well enough to, you know, keep getting ... well, maybe this gives some cover there as well.

I mean, I could just try harder to find a better stylist. I guess. But honestly, I object to paying upwards of $60 on a haircut when I'm never in love with the results, I can't ever replicate whatever they do, and they barely seem to listen to what I want anyway. At least if it's supercuts and I'm not that in love, it only cost me $20-30.

In other news, I kind of hate hairstylists every time I think about this sort of thing.
ljfrostfire: (giggle)
Call me crazy, but if you replace all the car imagery with shots of the seemingly endless varieties of extreme sports and extreme risk taking (ie, all the things that make everyone else say "crazy white dudes") ... it'd pretty much be the perfect explanation for all that nonsense.

(insert embedded YouTube video of commercial, now taken down, here.)

"We don't have to worry about predators like our ancestors did. No sabertooth tigers stalking rom the brush, no dire wolves circling the camp. There are no more monsters to fear. And so, we have to build our own."

Indeed.
ljfrostfire: (giggle)
Well, it's not been very long yet, what with it only being the fourth, but I can already tell that this year is going to be something of a slower burn. Maybe it's because I don't have quite the same level of "this shit is pinging around in my brain and keeping me up nights," vibe that I did last year. Maybe it's the new direction/characters that I'm having to integrate. (Did I mention that I'm writing the follow up to last year's project? No? Well, I am. So there.)

I find that I'm getting to update the reference sheets for all of my legecy characters as well. Not because I don't know them pretty well by now, but because a lot of them have ... drifted from my original thoughts on them. Sometimes because of character development. But sometimes because they just didn't quite "write" the way I thought they would when I was sorting this stuff out the first time around. Which is actually quite interesting AND gives me permission to be a good deal more rough in my character sketches this time around.

In other news, the weather has turned from "still summer" to "winter is coming" over the last week or so. And the truth is, I find myself feeling old. The sudden chill (I refuse to call temps in the 50s-60s cold), or possibly the sudden pressure changes, have wreaked havoc on a lot of my joints. My wrists have been aching and poping pretty constantly since Sunday night. My left elbow and shoulder like to join in at unexpected intervals. My knees are bitchy, but they always are, so they don't really count. My feet are cold and I'm guessing that it's time for my sandals to get put away until spring. All these aches and pains just make me feel old. I don't know when this happened, but I don't like it. Not one bit. <_<
ljfrostfire: (nerdy books)
So I did the whole Nanowrimo thing last year and, to my surprise, succedded beyond my expectations. Like, nearly double the goal. By the time I was properly "finished" (about a week or so into december), I'd gotten through the first draft of an entire, proper novel. Which I'm nearly (well, somewhere between 2/3 - 3/4) done editing/revising. Coming close to being ready to print a copy of this fucker and attacking it with a red pen for line edits. I mean, holy shit. Needless to say, I'm gonna do it again this year. I've had a sequel brewing in my brainpan since, oh, december.

Anybody else taking the plunge into crazy town? Or is it just me?

wanderlust

Sep. 6th, 2015 03:04 pm
ljfrostfire: (foggy bridge)
We've been in California since august of 2009. This is, by far, the longest we've ever stayed in one (relatively speaking) place. If home, this place that I mostly love, were remotely affordable in the long term, we'd stay indefinitely. But, of course, this is the SF bay area, so it is decidedly NOT affordable in the long term. Or even the near term, really. In three years, the rent we pay has gone up $175. The asking rent for new residents on our apartment has gone up $600. Tim pretty much blew a gasket when he saw that bit of info. We wouldn't be able to afford it now, even if we were willing to pay that much. Doing a search for apartments at roughly what we pay now brings up very, very, VERY little. And much of it far out of the way. I read recently that "average" rent for a one bedroom in SF was $3500. A quick search can't find a studio for less than $1800.

So now the crazy hits. Tim, already grumbly about our rent going up to what we were paying in South San Francisco three years ago, must have decided to glance at rental prices online. He is not happy. Simultaneously, the car he wanted to get in a year or so, all shiny and new, isn't going to be released in the states. More grumbles. Looks at similar vehicles, grumbles even more. "I could damn near buy an RV for that price!"

Dun-dun-dun. Cue new idea. He wants to buy an RV. And live in it. For a while, until we eventually leave the state and buy a house. If we still lived in a place with proper winter, this wouldn't fly at all. Obviously. And in many ways, it feels like a step down. On the other hand, we tend to live in crap apartments anyway. We wouldn't have to worry about landlords approving our cats. And if/when we move, we drive the whole thing away. Last weekend we went to an RV show, to see some in person. All nice and shiny and new. I'll admit, some of them were way better than our apartment now. Or any apartment we've had, actually. There weren't many used ones to see, but it was certainly informative in terms of what sorts of things are available. And the use of space. It's like one of the Ikea "small apartment" displays, only long and narrow instead of mostly square.

I'm still not sure how keen I am on this idea. But he is not above bribery to achieve his goals, namely in the form of buying a mini in a couple of years when we upgrade the current car. And being able to find an RV park, or whatever, near the beach/ocean, with plenty of fog and beach town feel. The man knows me very well indeed. And I suppose there's something to be said for the idea that it would be truly ours, in a way no apartment ever is. And it's not like I'm averse to living in a studio apartment, as long as the layout works. Sigh. The whole idea still feels weird, but maybe if I think of it as a stop-over before moving out of state .... hmm.
ljfrostfire: (wrong!)
So I had the most unexpected conversation on Christmas. I've let it settle for a while, because unexpected things happened and I've needed to sort shit out. Cuz I overthink everything. Like a putz. Sigh.

Anyway. I don't remember how the topic came up, but my cousin basically said that bisexuality doesn't really exist. Especially in the context of bisexual men, but basically, in her mind, bisexuality isn't real. Now, in fairness, she's seen some seriously fucked up behaviors. She did social work type things for a while, with street youths in LA, and saw the fallout from ... less than honest sexual patterns. I also have the impression that there's some sort of issue with someone having been dishonest reguarding their orientation in her own past, with serious medical consequences. So there's definitely reasons for her viewpoint, which is that bisexuality is really just cover for homosexuality.

From the things she talked about, she's not really dealing with people who are openly bisexual. Sounds more like, in her experience, guys who pursue both genders are really just closeted. But then it also sounds like she has some serious trust issues. Her sense of how a relationship works ... wow. Talk about high maintenance. I would chafe under her "rules" for a relationship, and I'm pretty damn low-key. But the number of times where I, or Tim, or Linda (my aunt, her mother) would respond with some version of "that's just that person being a fuck up, that's not about being bisexual," really boggled my mind.

And at one point she says, "I don't know, maybe I need to talk about this with a bisexual." And without even thinking about it, I lean over and tell her, "you kind of are." But since her issue is really with guys (bisexual or otherwise, seriously, that woman has trust issues), my remark didn't really seem to register much. Well, beyond another comment about how girls are "allowed" to be that way, or experiment like that. Of course, I've been in the same relationship, with Tim, for about 13 years now. And she knows that our relationship isn't the sort that would work for her. But still, I sort of expected a bit more comment. I guess. For some reason.

It took a few days to figure out why I expected something more. Aside from a few stray remarks here and there, it was the first time I really, publicly laid claim to my ... non-straightness. I've had inklings since the mid-90s. I told Tim years ago, and had sort of figured it out at least a couple years before that. But I'd never really made a thing of it. Never really made a big deal out of it. I'm still not sure why. Maybe I figured that since I didn't have much of a social life, it didn't really matter.

But the thing is, this conversation over Christmas, it really made me realize something. Namely that there's a difference between being shy/reserved/private and being invisible. And that somewhere along the line in my life, I'd let myself become content with being invisible. Maybe even welcomed it.

Why the hell is this an acceptable state? Hoping to escape notice, to be overlooked, to hide? Being so concerned about what other people think, about what's "acceptable" and "proper" that I've spent most of my life pushing aside some of the things I'm good at, things I enjoy, because they're not reasonable or serious? Who is it I'm trying to please? Or impress?

My grandparents are all dead now. My mother has been dead for 15 years. My father wouldn't notice anything. Ever. Under any circumstances. When he actually responded appropriately to my grandfather's death, I (and Linda) wondered if my sister had needed to bitch-slap him into sense. The fact that she didn't have to, that he did it without prompting, was stunning. So that's not a concern. At all.

So, really, why? Because once upon a time I got beat up a bunch? Because I was the nerdy, slightly less middle class, deeply unpopular girl who couldn't make friends? The one who got picked on and called names, even into high school? Also, the one who couldn't make decisions of her own until her 20s because my grandparents were so convincing, and ever so helpful, and just wanted to keep my on track for going to college. To this day, it takes me forever to even figure out what I want. Not what's best, or what's logical, or reasonable, or serious, or whatever. But what I want, how I actually feel. Talk about overintellectualized.

I've always admired my cousin for her ability to know what she wants and go after it. Precisely because it's a trait, or skill, or whatever, that I lack. I hid from the bullies. I've let myself be invisible. I've let my wants and desires be subsumed by what others expect of me. And it's done me a real disservice.

But not just me. This conversation with my cousin made me realize that this need to be private, this desire to avoid being seen, it's done a disservice to the people around me too. Being invisible means people not knowing that they know someone who's bisexual. Not even my family. Because I thought it shouldn't matter, that it's nobody's business, that it's private. I'm starting to wonder if there's really any difference between this and being in the closet.

So, for future reference, I'm bisexual. Have been for ages now. Just in case you want to know.
ljfrostfire: (giggle)
So, nearly a year after passing the Latin exam, I still haven't finished my thesis. Meaning I still haven't finished my degree. But I think that I have, in fact, decided to skip going for a PhD and move on to other options. I'll be looking into my options for teaching Latin or teaching Greek & Roman literature at the junior college level. I may also look into Teach for America as a way into teaching. Because, really, the fact that teaching days could cheer me up from the funktastic funk of Plato should be a big clue about where I can do well.

I still need to look for a job where I am right now. And Istill need to finish my thesis and get the degree. It'd be a hell of a waste of time and money to not finish when I'm this close. I alsoneed to look closely at where I want to end up in the country. Odds are not good for teaching here in CA. And I'd like to at least entertain the dream of buying a house someday. Seattle would be a fantastic option, but it's another area where Latin maynot be in much demand. I should probably talk to folk I know who've gotten teaching jobs for some tips.

Hopefully, now that I've basically made the decision, I'll be more able to get something done. Sometimes overthinking things just means being paralyzed with indecision. This has definitely been one of those times. For entirely too long now. Sigh.
ljfrostfire: (chocolate bubblegum)
Also known as "I finally passed that damn Latin exam!"

Seriously. Apparently, not giving a shit and just taking the exam the "right way" was enough to get the few more points I needed to pass. Which means I probably could have passed it the first time, if I'd known they were going to be such shitheads about doing it the "right way" ... or that there even WAS one that I was being graded against. (Have I mentioned how terrible the department is about actually outlining expectations? No? Well, trust me, it's gloriously mindboggling.)

So now, all that's left is writing my thesis.



Also, getting a new kitten in a few months. Our remaining cat is definitely in a lonely/needy stage, and it just doesn't feel right to have only the one these days.
ljfrostfire: ($#@%&!)
So, last semester was terrible. The only thing I enjoyed was being TA for the baby Latin class. The ONLY thing. The class I was taking, a seminar on Plato, made me absolutely crazy and miserable. I suck at Greek. The Greek alphabet is something my dyslexic brain hates with a fiery passion. My brain refuses, categorically, to recognize it as language. I've kept taking Greek classes because they're pretty much required for Classics, and also because I'm clearly insane. I also hate philosophy. It makes me want to gauge my eyes out with a spork. And that's when I'm reading it in English. This class meant reading it in fucking Greek. And reading about philosophy, and philosophical bullshittery that I don't give a shit about, for a whole semester. It made me crazy.

Like, 2.5 months of my summer spent killing things in Diablo 3 instead of doing anything remotely productive kind of crazy. Like so stressed out I wanted cigarettes with a fierceness that was, quite frankly, completely bonkers. Especially since I've never smoked in my life. Guess I can thank mom smoking all my life for that particular craving. Crazy like, if not for teaching days, I'm pretty sure I'd have chucked it all in the bin and spent the rest of my life doing something-the-fuck-else.

I have a Latin MA exam tomorrow, and I can't be arsed to care. I need to write my thesis, and I barely have any fucks to give about it. If I fail the Latin exam (again, bleh) I'm not even sure I'd be allowed to take it again. And I just don't care. If I can just finish this damn degree, I think I may need to ... reassess my life. Again.

I can teach Latin. Hell, I enjoy it. With the master's, I can look into teaching at the junior college level. And be done with this "taking classes I don't care about because it's the next hoop I need to jump through" just to get to the next set of hoops.

I'm feeling like I need to be done with the bullshit. And the poverty of student life. I'm tired of being too busy and/or poor to actually do anything fun. I'm tired of having no social life outside of school. I'm sick to death of being so wrapped up in school that everything else is swallowed up. I wanna do steampunk stuff, and go to wacky ren fairs, and go find a gay bar, and maybe flirt with pretty girls, and read books for fun whenever the fuck I want to (instead of just during breaks between semesters), and ... I don't know ... do stuff.

Gods, color me a whiny bitch right now. One shit semester ....
ljfrostfire: (cranky)
I've definitely been wasting it. I wanted to get stuff done, but I've been so stressed out the last couple of months, that I just don't have it in me to be terribly productive. It doesn't help that at this point I'm feeling like I'm not getting into a PhD program this year. Kind of takes away all sense of urgency to get things done by the end of the semester. Although, when I finish the Plato class (long story that makes my brain cry tears of rage) I'm pretty sure I'll be setting all things Greek from this course on fucking fire. Part of the reason I can't get much done is because I spend so much time working on the damn Greek. One thing I know for sure, if I don't get into a PhD program this year, I'll be reapplying, but to an entirely different set of programs. With no more Greek. I just don't have what it takes to deal with Greek at the graduate level. My dyslexic brain still refuses to recognize the Greek alphabet as language, which is a real problem for graduate level work.

So that means working for a year or so. Not quite sure what to do with that. Don't know how much need there really is for Latin teachers in the local area. And moving to teach high school Latin is ... problematic. It's an expensive prospect, and I don't think I'm ready to commit to that just yet. Mostly because I know that I DO want to reapply next year. Which is harder to do if we've just blown a significant amount of money on moving. Also, loan repayment becomes a factor. Which I'm trying not to think about too much, because holy damn, do I have me some loans.

At this point, I think I'll count myself lucky if I passed the Latin exam (took it last week) and can get out of the Plato class with a good enough grade to use on my graduation stuff. Which I should be able to do. The actual Greek only accounts for about 1/4 of the grade, and that's the only part that I'm struggling with. Writing my damn thesis though ... *sigh*

If all else fails, I can work on it over summer and fall (yay for having a "grace" semester on that angle) and officially graduate in the fall. Then it'll just be a matter of sorting out PhD or long term job options.

Have I mentioned lately that I kind of hate my whole damn life this semester? Thank gods for a boyfriend with the presence of mind to keep me well stocked in chocolate covered espresso beans!
ljfrostfire: (nerdy books)
So, this plan of continuing grad school is not going very well. I applied to 6 programs. So far, I have 3 official rejections, 1 unofficial rejection, 1 "who the fuck knows but it's not looking great" and 1 "they like to wait until April."

I was really hoping to have some sort of good news by now. I can't plan anything while this is in limbo. And I have an obsessive/compulsive need to plan. Once I'm not in school for something like 6 months, I have to start making loan repayments. I'll need to get a job, preferably one that actually pays fairly well. Granted, I'll have my master's fairly soonish, but ... this was not the plan. I'm not sure how easy it'll be to get into teaching Latin. (My half-formed backup plan, teach Latin in a private school.)

So, my mood is crap. Except on days when I'm teaching the baby Latin class. Then I feel better about myself and my life. At this point, maybe I should be taking that as a sign. *sigh* But I wanna dig stuff and study things that get dug up! *pout*

Here's hoping for some good news. Preferably soon.
ljfrostfire: (battle goddess)
It's been a hard three weeks. I didn't expect that getting a rejection would be something of a relief compared to a whole lot of nothing. At least Cornell was kind enough to send out rejections at the same time as their acceptances. There's nothing like obsessively checking GradCafe's result survey and seeing programs you've applied to start trickeling out acceptances, and NOT getting anything in your email. At this point, I'm presuming that three more schools are probably silent rejections. Which means I'm pinning my hopes on two programs and feeling really fucking antsy over it all.

If I have to do this shit again for 2013, I think I'm going for straight up archaeology programs with strong classical archaeology specialties. If I'm going to be out in the world for a year, I'm not doing any damn greek and I won't want to be required to pick it up again.

By the way, philosophy in general and Plato in particular? They should die in a fire. It must be arranged.

*blink*

Feb. 3rd, 2012 12:07 pm
ljfrostfire: ($#@%&!)
I just got my first rejection email. Wow. That was ... fast ... disappointing ... a downer ... ugh. Meh. Five more chances ...?
ljfrostfire: (serious?)
So ... I just payed the fee for my last PhD program application. Once this last packet goes in the mail, it is officially out of my hands.

I'm scarred. Hold me?

Blarg.

Jan. 3rd, 2012 04:33 pm
ljfrostfire: (must have coffee!)
It's a new year, and I have no resolutions. I'm too busy with other stuff. Like being sick as hell. Seriously, I finished up every last thing that was due for the semester, and the next morning I was coming down with a damn cold. And it has been kicking my ass ever since. I basically spent yesterday asleep. Blarg.

In other news, I've completed 4 out of 6 PhD applications. I have 1 more due on thursday, and the last one is due in about a week and a half. And, of course, we're short on money again. Blarg. I just keep telling myself that I'll get accepted somewhere that will give me copious amounts of money, making it all worthwhile. Even if it means I have to leave the state again. Which, if I get into a program, I have to leave the state. Because Berkeley was no good for me, and Stanford gets so many applicants that it's out of reach. And I can't live in LA, so that leaves out of state. Blarg.

But I'm almost done with the Master's and, if all else fails, I can teach Latin at a private school and be ok. I'd prefer to go the PhD route, but I'm getting really tired of poor, so ... we'll see what happens.
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